I saw it! A little blinking dot. Confirming a heat beat. It was as if a weight had lifted. For now at least.
Walking into EPU was surreal. The last time I was there I was confirming bad news. This time I was desperate for some good. I was feeling optimistic and went for the traditional “belly scan” first. Cause ya know, I had “drank buckets of water” of course it would work. The truth was that I had drank, but like most pregnant woman I was peeing every 7 seconds, or so it felt, so a full bladder was probably not on the cards! So the old trans vaginal probe was produced! Lucky me……
Considering how many times I have had this done since the start of the year you would think I would be cool with it! Well no, I am not! I still get awkward, and weird and embarrassed! In fact 2 weeks after my miscarriage, I was admitted to hospital as I had developed infection. You would think that after all I had gone through I might be a little more used to having all eyes on me, but no! Yet again this probe was produced immediately by a male doctor, and I believe I tried to kill the awkwardness by making a joke that he “hadn’t even bought me dinner” Yeah! True story.
Anyway, back to now! I lay there yet again staring at the ceiling making small talk about the weather and the wedding I had been to, until out of the corner of my eye I saw the little beat. Our ultrasound tech confirmed that it was the heart beat. I held back tears. This was the sight I was so longing to see. Our little baby confirmed. When I finally began to think again, I asked her to confirm that it was one and not two! Last time the fact that we started out with two was a complete left fielder! It was confirmed it was just one this time. If I am honest it was a relief. Not because multiples are not amazing but because I wanted everything to do with this pregnancy to be different from the last. So just one, and a big old heat beat!
Walking out of the hospital I looked at my husband and he somehow looked taller. Like he had grown taller in the last couple of minutes. I think he was walking tall for the first time in months. His excitement was contagious. We decided to go get ice-cream and take our little girl to Emo Court. It was the perfect end to our perfect day!
But now a couple of days on I am back down to earth with a bang. The fear has crept back in. I am back to telling myself not to celebrate this time. To remember that bad things happen. I am back to reminding myself not to glance at baby things in shops or daydream about whats to come. I am nervous again.
Apart from the emotional toll it is all taking, I am feeling sick. I am tired and I am feeling like I need to go to bed for a week. It is not hard to imagine why though. At this point the body is doing amazing things. I am growing a human for gods sake! Even now the mind boggles!
**Although written in real time this piece was not published at the time of writing……. So your a little behind the times**