The world and it’s sister has decided to procreate! Everywhere I turn, I see or hear of someone who will be welcoming a new life into the world, and the stark reality that I will not hits me all over again.
It has been two weeks since we said goodbye to our little one. I am finding it more and more difficult to say I lost our baby. I lose my keys, I lose my phone, I feel like I am losing my mind occasionally but to say I lost our baby still does not sit well with me. I didn’t put it some where and forget. Our baby died.
I have come to the realisation that it is OK to put it in those terms. I had for a time, felt bad for thinking of it like that. I felt bad for saying our baby died. As if, because it had not been born, I had no right to say that it had died. That only people who have reached a certain point, a certain number of weeks or even given birth could say their baby died. That someone like me could not use that term. For the most part, nobody even knew we were having a baby. How could I now say our baby died!
Well, I can. I have decided that I can. I feel like it makes it real. That it wasn’t some secret event. I feel like I can own my story now. I feel like talking about it and saying it out loud actually validates, that for a point in time our baby existed.
I want to shout about it. To tell the world what has happened. That by talking and telling I am somehow giving life to our child. That if I talk about it, I am giving it a place in this world. That we won’t forget about it. That others won’t forget about it. I feel like I am dealing with it……. until I am reminded that this doesn’t happen to everyone.
It feels like every day I am seeing someone announce they are expecting. It feels like taking a bullet every time. I see their scan pictures on social media. I see their cute announcement photo’s. I see smiling girls hugging tiny bumps. I see myself in all of them. We had not talked about how we would tell people our news. We had no big plan about how we would make our lovely announcement. But now that I see it happening for everyone else, I see that I should be doing the same thing. I should be hugging a tiny bump.
And for every announcement and scan I see, my heart stops for a second. I feel envy! I shouldn’t. I feel scared for them. I shouldn’t. I feel angry. I shouldn’t. I feel happy. Above all I feel sad. Sad because it should be me. Sad because our babies would be around the same age. Sad because nobody would know my little baby. Not even me.
Over the past weeks it really hit home how miscarriage is such an off topic conversation. A sort of don’t ask don’t tell subject. We live in a society where we keep our pregnancies secret until it’s “safe to tell” We don’t talk about it before a certain number of weeks “just in case something happens”…….. Well ya know what? I think we are wrong!
What happens if we don’t tell and something does go wrong? Where do we turn? Who do we look to for advice? Who can we speak to for a comforting ear? If nobody knows, how can we ask the people we love for support? The death of a baby, in my opinion, feels the same whether it is at 5 weeks or 35 weeks. So why not talk about it. Why keep it to whispers?
Let’s change the conversation……….Let’s talk to all mothers. To the mothers who are posting bump and scan pics. And let’s talk to the mothers who wish they were.