Although it has been a while since I have posted it doesn’t mean it’s been the quite life for me. However, the news I have in my life I was quite reluctant to share easily. You see, I wanted to keep it all to myself…..For a while anyway!
We are expecting. Again!
I wanted to keep our little secret. Just us for a while. But I still wanted to capture what the first few precious weeks are like, so I took to rambling. And it is only now I am brave enough to share! So here goes. It’s not all sunshine and roses but its real.
I am sorry to say that the excitement factor is not quite as pronounced as it was previously. This time round, I am all too aware of the pitfalls of pregnancy. I am analyzing every pain and twinge. I am second guessing every activity. Is it safe? Should I eat this? To be honest it is tiring!
In the back of my mind I do day dream. I have already thought of our next family holiday. The 4 of us riding off into the sunset. And then just like that I am back in the room, thinking of the events of April and reminding myself that life, regardless of what stage, is all too precious.
It is early days for us. Between 6 and 7 weeks. If I am honest I have been feeling good. In previous pregnancies I battled morning, noon and night sickness from very early on. This time I have none. I sometimes feel a little queasy later in the evening but other then that I feel great. I am tired, but its not debilitating. In fact I feel so good, I can not relax. What if this is not real? What if the reason I feel so good is because it is all going wrong?
We went to a wedding this past weekend. I feel like my husband and I were undercover ops. We were keeping this a secret, that was final. I decided to not draw attention to myself and went for a non alcoholic beer in a glass. Sorted! For about 7 seconds that is. Now I am not saying I have a problem, or am dependent on it. In fact, I am not a big drinker at all. But when I do, Prosecco is my go to tipple. Of course like all good weddings they were serving it by the bucket load. (Props to Al and Lisa for getting it so right!) It was not long before a friend pointed out that I had not gotten a glass and to grab one. So I did. And it sat on the table, going flat. I sipped my non alcoholic beverage and prayed nobody would notice. By late that evening I had switched to water, with ice and a slice of lime. I can personally recommend this for optimum deception. We danced the night away, I managed to stay in my shoes till the early hours and had a fantastic time.
Fast forward 12 hours. We had reunited with our little girl and decided to have some family time. We drove to Castlecomer Discovery Park to spend the day walking the trails. It was short lived. As all Mammies know, when you take a 3 year old anywhere, it is imperative to insist on a bathroom visit before setting off with your plans. It was at this time that I realised I had had a small bleed.
My heart sank, my mind raced. I felt as though somebody had pulled the ground from under me. I think he could tell when he saw my face. I saw it in his face. Complete disbelief. I knew by him he was thinking that it just couldn’t be happening again. In silence we made our way back to the car. Yet again I was faced with the only one phone call I wanted to make. A call to my own Mammy. She was on her way. I called the Early Pregnancy Unit. Come in they said. It was a dream. It had to be a dream. It could not be happening again. I was not ready for it to happen again.
Last week, two things happened. A friend contacted me to tell me her pregnancy was not progressing and that she would miscarry her baby. She had told me a few weeks before about her good news and I could not have been happier for them. I had known for a while that they longed to start a family and so hearing her news that it was finally happening was as though it was my own news. I was excited for them. I thought about what they might have. I thought about what names they may pick. Life was great. When she contacted me last week to tell me her pregnancy was ending I felt winded. Devastated. Devastated because I have been there. Devastated because although it had happened to me, I could never know the sadness she and her partner were feeling. Devastated because I wanted so much for another woman to not have to go through it. Devastated because, I am pregnant. I am pregnant, and I would have to tell her in the future. Around the same time, another friend found out that her much longed for IVF baby was not to be. It had not worked this time. Again, more disappointment. More sadness. And throughout all of it, in the back of my mind I thanked my lucky stars that it had happened for us again.
That Saturday in EPU I sat wishing I was anywhere else. The first person I encountered was a lovely woman I had met before. In fact, I met her when I had my daughter and I met her in April when I miscarried. “I know you, don’t I”……. that’s what she said. She did know me. She sat in the EPU ultrasound room when they told me my pregnancy was not viable. She walked me out, chatting about my daughter and how long she had worked in the hospital. The second person I met was a doctor. I will always remember her. I will remember her because she was the doctor who managed my miscarriage. She is the Doctor who asked me if I wished to “have a look”. The Doctor who told my husband that “it would be worth it” for him to look. The same woman who looked me in the eye the last time I met her and told me it was “all over now, you can go home” The same Doctor who wrote me a prescription for pain killers put it on the bed and said “good luck Aoife” before exiting the room. In times of distress I believe certain things stick out in your mind. For me, it was this Doctor.
She began to take my history. Routine questions. Then “and what hospital managed your last miscarriage?”………… What hospital? You did! You personally managed my last miscarriage. The initial shock of her question has since worn off. Of course she doesn’t remember. She see’s so many. And, like I have said so often since, it was really only real for us.
I had blood taken and told to go home. Take paracetamol for the cramps and come back on Monday. If it got worse, I could come back before that, but for now go home and what will be will be.
My husband was livid. How could they do this?! How could they just tell you to take paracetamol?! How did they just let you go home?! He wanted somebody to take action. To ensure I was cared for. To keep our baby safe. But what I know to be true is that we have to let this play out as it will. It is out of our hands.
So sitting and waiting for our appointment time, I have to be positive. I have to think of the best possible outcome. I have to be optimistic. The fact is, the likelihood of having a successful pregnancy is much higher then having another miscarriage.
So what SHOULD be happening then?!……. Well, by now the embryo looks a little like a tadpole. It still has a tail and there is a bulge where the heart is and a bump at the end of the neural tube which will become the brain. It should also be covered by a thin layer of see through skin. By this stage it may also measure approx 10mm.
So what is happening?!…….. Well, I suppose time will tell.
**Although this post is written in real time, it was not published at the time of writing. What this means essentially is that you are behind the times!**